Announcing the launch of the Warnerese-to-English translator

Virginia voters to their best to be fully informed about the upcoming U.S. Senate race, but it’s not easy when the presumptive Democratic nominee doesn’t speak English.  Oh sure, it looks like English, and it sounds like English, but in fact it’s a foreign language, one best described as “Warnerese.” 

For my initial example, I’ll use excerpts from Mark Warner’s kick-off speech in Abdingdon yesterday (from his website, which was the only place I could get a transcript).  Here’s the Warnerese (with the translation in bold and italics):

Seven years ago I asked you – the people of our Commonwealth – to give me a chance to serve as your Governor. I was a job applicant, asking you to hire me.

Seven years ago, I saw that the GOP was ripping itself apart and saw a perfect opportunity to finally fulfill my political ambitions.

I started then where I do today – in Southwest Virginia – a vital part of our Commonwealth that too often doesn’t get a fair shake from Richmond.

I came down here because I knew this was the only place in Virginia where the local MSM rag wasn’t challenged by a decent newspaper like in Washington, Richmond, or Hampton Roads (where the Times-Dispatch still has reach).

My promise to you then was the same as it is today: if you give me the chance, I will work with anyone to ensure that every Virginian gets a fair shot.

Just don’t ask me if I did or will fullfill it.

That means setting aside petty partisanship and focusing on real results.

That does not necessarily mean achieving results, kind of like using focusing with a camera but not actually taking a picture.

It means always putting our country and our Commonwealth first.

They’ll get first prize.  Of course, Harry Reid will get the Grand Prize.

In 2001, you hired me and gave me that chance – and I’m proud of what we accomplished together.

Just don’t ask me what it was.

See what I mean?  There’s plenty more, of course, like his discussion of his record as Governor:

In our third year, we traveled the Commonwealth, holding an honest discussion with Virginians about what they expected from state government. In the end, Republicans and Democrats came together and we fixed the budget mess.

In our third year, when Chichester and Potts asked for the moon; I fell down on my knees and thanked God for my good fortune.  I went around the state promising I’d only raise taxes half as much as those clowns, and the rest is history.

We brought more fairness to our tax system.

We told those fools in Northern Virginia that if they paid even more through the nose, that we would use the money to fix roads - and they fell for it.

We saved our Triple-A bond rating.

Wall Street told me to cut spending or raise taxes.  See above.

We made historic investments in education and environmental protection, and replenished the Rainy Day Fund.

We blew an extra $10 billion without anyone getting wise because I played hide-and-seek with the surplus until it was too late.

Need more?  Here’s Warner on Iraq:

Abroad, we have the challenge of Iraq…

Of course, it would have been a piece of cake if Bush had just given up instead of sending in General David Petraeus and actually making progress.

The Iraqi government is sitting on 70-BILLION-dollars in oil revenue– while American taxpayers bear most of the cost to rebuild Iraq.

America must pressure the Iraqis to do more by beginning to bring our troops home in a safe and responsible way. We cannot set a timeline—or leave Iraq a haven for terrorists – but an open-ended commitment does not move us closer to a resolution.

The Iraqi government is sitting on $70 billion in oil revenue, so now that you’re all riled up, you won’t notice that I never mention the word “victory” when I talk about Iraq.

Finally, just to round things out, here’s Warner’s domestic agenda:

And here at home, we can do better.

Don’t look at me, it’s all Timmy’s fault.

We know that Virginians worry more each day about their family finances. Costs are going up, and the competition is getting tougher.

Blame Timmy!

We need to develop a national plan to compete and win in this global economy—because India and China are not playing for second place:

So long as you don’t notice India is a friend, I can scare you by mentioning them until November.  Otherwise I’ll just have say China, which might be a problem if Hillary is the nominee and the party relies on the PLA to pay the bills again.

That means we need a world-class, highly-educated work force.

You know, like the kind we have thanks to the Standards of Learning that we got from whats-his-name.

That means America must lead the world in innovation and intellectual capital.

We must lead the world in the kind of capital that won’t flee like I did from the presidential race when I vote to raise the capital-gains tax.

That means fixing health care so American companies don’t pay THREE-THOUSAND-DOLLARS more per employee in health costs than our competitors.

That means you don’t have to buy health care; you get to die waiting in line for it like everyone else.

That means developing a true 21st century plan to invest in our neglected infrastructure – roads, bridges, rail, and Internet broadband.

See, Northern Virginia?  I’ll fix your roads.  Really, I mean it this time!

From energy, to America’s competitive position, to our national security and economy, we all know we have challenges.

Whether or not I can help fix them is - well, that’s the fun of electing me, right?

But this is America –the greatest country in the world. We can successfully meet these challenges if we work together.

But this is America –the greatest country in the world. You can successfully meet these challenges if you work together, and I want to take the credit for it as your next Senator!

As you can see, translating from Warnerese to English is no easy task, but I’m prepared to do as much of it as I can so Virginians are aware of what Mark Warner really says during his speeches.

You’re welcome.